My chest is going to start tempestuous. I don't wanna to die with this way. This isn't only body disease. But heart-mind disease. That spread to my whole body. Until when I can endure this ...??? I don't know!!! That foolish medicine is futile. My body isn't hurt. But my heart-mind. Reacted too my entire body and soul.
I'm sure that nobody knows. At least until I've wrote down here. Cause this is my 'God and me top secrets'. I don't wanna worry anybody, definitely ...
At a time like this, the words of my friend was echoing in my head. Something about pray with god and god's given:
God answer your pray with 3 ways:
1. God say 'YES' and give you what you won't.
2. God say 'NO' and give you better.
3. God say 'WAIT' and give you the best.
Initially, I don't really understand what's the meaning of 3 points of that. But, seems like I understand for a little at least before I die. Futile death isn't my desire, you moron!!
You know, I learned a lot of things in life. Not only lesson at school or other silly things. But also human relationship. Human is the most complex creature that God ever create, I think.
I also think that the two mask demon in life itself is taking over me repeatedly, I don't mention about count, but ... Yeah! That demon is only sweet in the beginning with friendly faces, but continuously going berserk, demolish all of inside me, included my innocent heart kind, slowly.
This is all because one of cruel stuff consist in this sadden world, I called it demon. I don't really understand why the poets is so appreciate with that demon. I wonder if that demon is still pure?? God also spoke about this demon too. God said that life is never run if there is no demon. I'm sure it right, but. Altough it is very beautiful, there is some cruelty behind that.
Many people hurt, moreover death because of that. Maybe this is God's called "balance". More higher the power, more higher power to balance that. With this opinion, I mention about life itself is "balance'. If I won't to hurt badly, I musn't take the opposite too high.
I'm still alive maybe God is ensure me that I still can do some act to this world. I'm alone, I can do all I want myself, I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm tired with 'feeling of believe'. Every person that I believed, BETRAYED me. I don't know what's my mistake.
I'm finally realized that true love is not consist in this world anymore, the balance for the love itself is gone. It's rare to find a true love because all of true love is turn into a demon. Actually, I don't really claimed that I have a feeling of true love. But at least I still have a little piece of that feeling.
Dear, God. Previously I made a wish to make everyone happy. But this time, I want to make a new wish to you. This is my only one last wish ...
"Please, God!! Before I die, I want to feel happiness from the feeling of true love too ..."
